And you wouldn’t believe what the average man is doing just once a year

BIG congratulations – and welcome to the family – Taylor Swift, who has just come out as gay to the whole, wide world. (Legal disclaimer: She hasn’t.)

She is also indebted to the New York Times, who have saved her the whole problematic hassle of, ya know, telling friends, family and, er, herself first.

The New York Times has reported that Taylor Swift is a lesbianCredit: Getty

 The news will come as a surprise to Taylor’s boyfriend, Travis KelceCredit: Getty

Yep, in its infinite, holier-than-thou wisdom, the sanctimonious publication, which prides itself on winning more Pulitzers than any other, boldly suggested that the American superstar is a lesbian.

Which probably came as news to Taylor and her American footballer boyfriend, Travis Kelce.

In a staggeringly gauche 5,000-word essay, a writer by the name of Anna Marks has taken it upon herself to question the star’s sexuality.

It is, of course, utter bs.

Taylor has documented the rise and fall of countless relationships with men in her heroic back catalogue.

She’s dated several high-profile male stars, including British actor Joe Alwyn for six years.

And that’s a LONG time to fake it.

I mean, if I’m so much as mildly bored after three months in a relationship I’m outta there before you can say “big gay bear”.

The New York Times has played Taylor at her own game, positing a series of “Easter eggs” — clues she has supposedly “hidden” in her artistry, detailing her true, closeted self.

They’ve essentially suggested Tay has been “queer-baiting” — getting the gays to worship her, buy her records, merch and concert tickets — while hiding her “true self”.

The possible reason she hasn’t sat down in front of Ellen DeGeneres and poured out her little lezza heart is because: “Her star — as bright as it is now — would surely dim.”

The piece adds: “Sometimes, Ms Swift communicates through explicit sartorial choices, hair the colours of the bisexual pride flag or a recurring motif of rainbow dresses.

“She frequently depicts herself as trapped in glass closets. She drops hairpins (hints) on tour as well, paying tribute to the Serpentine Dance of the lesbian artist Loie Fuller or referencing The Ladder, one of the earliest lesbian publications, in her Eras Tour visuals.”

Case closed, m’lud.

Money-making machine

She’ll be donning her DMs, eating tofu, driving a Jeep Wrangler and getting a cat any day now. (Oh, scrap that: She already has a pussy. Three, in fact: Meredith Grey, Olivia Benson and Benjamin Button. Yep. Defo gay.)

The paper earnestly notes that Taylor released a video on Lesbian Visibility Day, accompanied by a clip of her dancing at a Pride parade and turning down a man’s marriage proposal in exchange for a pet cat.

Which, let’s face it, is simply canny marketing from an incredibly smart, money-making machine.

She’s also tweeted in support of Black Lives Matter, yet the New York Times hasn’t, yet, suggested she is secretly Ghanaian. Still, give it time.

Why we are even debating someone’s sexuality in 2024 is ridiculous anyway.

But were a tabloid to write such an essay, it would be hanged, drawn and quartered — by the New York Times.

Taylor’s “associates” (presumably led by Taylor) have been quick to dismiss the bile, labelling it “invasive, untrue and inappropriate”.

The reality is that Taylor Swift is unbelievably progressive — a forward-thinking woman who defied her own PR camp to come out against Donald Trump, thus alienating all of redneck America.

If Taylor Swift was gay, quite simply, she would be.

Perhaps it’s time to boycott the NYT-owned Wordle.

Taylor Swift and Brit actor Joe Alwyn were together for six yearsCredit: Getty